Wednesday, November 5, 2008


For the last week or so, I've been consumed by anger. I can't seem to get a grip and I can't seem to do anything to make it go away. I am just so, so angry.

I saw someone today that I don't like. This woman is a real bitch - excuse me for saying so - and a liar, hypocrite and backstabber. And of course she - like the rest of the female population of the world, it seems - has a baby. I can't think of a person whose motherhood annoys me more. Not just because of her overt smugness but because, as much as I know it's horrible to say this, I just think she doesn't DESERVE to be a mother.

There. I've said (or, rather, written) it.

Maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe it just makes me human. Maybe it's just one of those things that's like rubbing salt into an open wound.

A lot of times people tell you all sorts of assorted BS when you're going through a rough spot - whether it's a divorce, unemployment, loss of a loved one or any number of things that elicit (or at least SHOULD elicit) sympathy. One of the things that gets under my skin the most is when people act all fatalistic about it, like oh, well, I guess it's just not meant to be. NOT MEANT TO BE??? WTF??? Some white trash retard has 6 kids and that's ok, but then someone like me apparently can't have any (through no fault of my own, it would seem), and suddenly it's some sort of cosmic conspiracy.

If there is a God, he's sure as hell not on my Christmas card list.


Today should actually have been a good day. It should've been fine. I talked to a lot of friendly people (except for one idiot who was trying to be all high and mighty - but then, some people are just like that and occasionally I can almost relate know where I'm going with this). There were no real tragic mishaps today. No one cut me off on the road, no one was rude to me - quite the opposite in fact - and I had a semi-productive day.

But lately, every time I pause to think - about my life in general, my marriage, my future - I feel this black cloud of doom and gloom descend upon me. Suddenly, no matter what else is going on, I am nearing a panic attac and just wish I could literally split the ground and disappear in a chasm. I don't know what's gotten into me. I've had ups and downs before - but this is just completely ridiculous. Worst of all: I can't seem to get a handle on it.





I don't do yoga - not for want of trying, mind you. The whole chanting and listening to some weird instructions to bend my body as though I'm some sort of human Gumby...yeah, not my bag, baby. Pilates? Let's not even go there. So, I guess, the truth is that I really just don't have an outlet for all this pent-up frustration, despair, this anger I feel. I have no way to...let it out and get on with it. So it just sort of hovers like smog all around me.

I considered spending the next three days in bed. Pulling the covers over my head and pretending that everything around me just stopped. Or that, at any rate, my participation in this life was suspended.

I feel ashamed of my feelings, my downtrodden attitude. So many awful things happen in the world, I really shouldn't even have an ounce of unhappiness to contend with. But, alas, that's just one of those things that, if you ask me, aren't nearly as easy to control in reality as one would think.

I talked to my parents earlier today. My mom sensed - of course, as she would - immediately that I wasn't myself. My dad tried to cheer me up - but, try as I might, all I could think was, I am SO not in the mood to talk to ANYONE.

If I had a lot of money, I think I'd hop on a plane to some exotic island and spend a week or so just regrouping. But then - look at all these celebrities and how f***ed up they are. Really??? I mean, sometimes I wonder how you can possibly have issues if you're rich. But then, I guess, while money certainly does make the world go around (latest evidence the astronomic campaign expenditures during this last election), it doesn't buy you happiness.

If you've ever read this book called The Perfume - about a man whose quest to bottle the perfect scent eventually leads to murder - it makes you wonder what it would take to bottle happiness, so to say. I have this little cutout somewhere that says:

"If you have the capacity to be happy someday, you can be happy NOW."

I wish I could just somehow LIVE those words, instead of bemoaning my life for what it isn't. So sad, when you think about it: that I can let this one thing - this fact of being childless - stand in my way of an otherwise happy life. Life is, of course, always what we make it - and right now, dear void, there isn't much in it.


Erin said...

Hi Alexa,

I often find myself looking at women and wondering, “do they deserve to be a mother?” YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON. You are wounded. There is no answer to this shit, so don’t even listen to the losers who say your situation is “meant to be.” That’s a load of crap. We are in crisis, and that will not change no matter who we talk to or what “goodness” we encounter in any given day. And while things could be worse – we could be dying (although we are, kind of) – we have a right to mourn. It’s not fair. I love you wish to fall into a deep chasm… I wish for that myself. I often want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and have a nervous breakdown, but I just haven’t got the time. Like you, I too am scared that this anger will never fade. I’ve lost soooo many friends… I’ve lost nearly everything.

Just want you to know you’re not alone. At all.

Love, E

Just Another Infertile said...

Hi there!

My husband and I also deal with male factor IF. At least that is how we got started on our IVF with ICSI path. Turns out I have issues of my own. They had to cancel my cycle due to a dominant follicle and overall lack of eggs developing.

Men deal with their infertility in so many different ways. Mine feels extremely guilty all the time. He always says I can go find someone else if he can't give me a child. He says he'd understand. I've tried to explain to him now that the problem is also with me, but he doesn't really get that. He is plagued with guilt all the time. I'm sure Kenton is feeling that way on the inside. Some men just can't get their feelings in order enough to voice it. My husband gets embarrassed about it. Maybe yours is feeling the same.

If you think about it, maybe men have a harder time dealing with IF. There are almost no blogs for them. They can't call their buddy and talk about it. They must feel really alone.

I hope in time Kenton will come around and share some of the IF burden with you. Nothing about any of this is easy. It all sucks!

Brookebug said...

I felt like I was reading my own words when I read this post. I have felt the exact same way recently. I just want to stop everything for a while so I can get over my own greif. I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope that you are able to find some peace.

Nikki said...

everything you was as if you were writing my blog.... This infertility crap is screwed up times 100!