Lately, I'm getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I'm surrounded by these people who have kids but seriously shouldn't. From the early-twenties skank with THREE children to parades around like a dime-store whore, to some blip I caught about a woman who wasn't paying attention to her kids - the result being that her 4-year old daughter ended up locked in the washing machine and tumbled to death.
Anger doesn't even come CLOSE to what I'm feeling! INDIGNATION! Frustration! Pure, unadulterated RAGE!!!!
Were I not in this situation, I would maybe be content with just shaking my head. But as it is, I'm getting increasingly angry about it: how come all these totally unsuitable people are able to reproduce like bunnies, while those of us who are decent, upstanding citizens and would actually make good parents are having such a hard time?? I just don't get it. I know some people find comfort in their faith - but, truth be told, if anything I find that this injustice, this completely random selection of those who are fertile and those who aren't, is just proof to me that there is no God - or, if there is one, he's got one hell of a sick sense of humor. I mean, really??
Meanwhile, everything in the world revolves around children - and that's the one universal constant regardless of race, religion, wealth etc. Whether I open an interior decorating magazine, browse online or watch the news - everywhere people have kids as though there's nothing much to it. And I feel like some doofus who doesn't know the answer to something as basic as 1+1. It's just not fair!!!
I go back and forth between trying to find some solace and feeling completely outraged. I can't find my footing, I have no balance. Sometimes I almost manage to forget about the whole thing - right up until I see another unsuitable mother and have to grit my teeth not to scream. I can't believe that time is just passing me by without bestowing this one very crucial "gift" on me. I am just SO frustrated.
Meanwhile, Kenton had some tests done and they want to do some more - and have now said I should have a workup done as well. So I'm going to have to try to set that up this month and try not to freak out at the possibility that not only one of us has a problem, but both of us. Wouldn't that just be typical? I mean, it's just enough to drive you stark-raving MAD!
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4 comments:
Yup, it's maddening. Infuratiating.
And the best part: when people say, "it's all God's doing... in HIS time." I can't refrain from asking, "Where is this God everyone keeps praising?" when I see the unstable, uneducated, unproductive REPRODUCTIVE wonders that seem to follow me everywhere.
With you. Totally.
Hang in there. It's actually a good thing they'll do some tests on you too...better to have the information now rather than later. I'm hoping you won't have anything additional to deal with either.
...and I hear you regarding the unfit parents of the world!
I feel your pain. It gets harder as the months go by to see pregnant women or just mothers. I judge them when they speak to their kids or I judge them for what they are putting in there pregnant bellys. I am enraged when I see kids out of their carseats. I begin to wonder "how long did she try for that baby?" If she tried at all. I know that women who become pregnant easily have no concept of the gift they have been given and they never will. Truth be told I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have never struggled so much with my faith and I understand your feelings. I often tell God how angry I am with him and how much I dont understand what he is doing in my life. Just know that when you do have your baby you will have so much more appreciation for your gift and you will be a better Mom for it. I know that doesent help but its true.
Oh Alexa- I feel your pain and frustration!! Your right- Life just seems so unfair sometimes.
I don't blame you for feeling hurt, angry and frustrated, but hang in there. You will get through this. You and Kenton are in my prayers.
HUGS for you.
Tracy
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